You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
