My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
