I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
