I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
