a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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