I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
