so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
