i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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