had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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