you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
