I wanna bring you to show and tell
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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