His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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