it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
