You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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