hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
