Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
