the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
