The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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