My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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