my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
