Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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