I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
