I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
