jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
