this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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