Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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