I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
