At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
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