only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
