if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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