someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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