You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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