I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
