Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.