Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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