My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
