whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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