I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It's never too late to be topless.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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