I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
