I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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