if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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