are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize