Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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