I'm eating all of the evidence.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Randomize
