remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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