You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
