my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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