I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
