Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
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My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
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I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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