Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
