i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This baby is an asshole
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
