you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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