New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
