Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
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She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
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